I don't remember when it started...seems it was always a part of my life. As far back as my memory takes me, I catch glimpses of me inflicting pain upon myself...the only means I knew to smother the vast array of emotions I was forbidden to express.
I do remember when it ended...that is quite clear. October 20, 2007...You sent Your Word and healed me and delivered me from all my destructions. You freed me from that destructive addiction of self-abuse.
Last month, You made it clear that I was to make the switch from Tysabri to Copaxone...and I had perfect peace. I had no clue, administering these daily injections would resemble the self-inflicted horrors of my past. I bring that needle to my skin and I tell myself it is for my good, not harm. I hesitate...my heart begging for a way out...refusing to abuse my body again. Then, I remind myself that even you subjected yourself to suffering to produce perfection. I push the button; the needle penetrates the skin; the tears swell as the sting of the medication spreads throughout my body...and I rest in the knowledge that your grace is enough for me, for when I am weak, You are strong.
You knew what You were doing when You guided my doctor and me to make the switch to these daily injections. You were completely aware of the memories that lay just under the surface of my mind...memories that would be rattled by this new form of treatment. And You are still the God who heals and has healed me; the God who delivers and has delivered me; the God whose plans for me are for good and not for harm.
And so, in a few hours, I will once again load that syringe and administer healing to my body...relying on Your strength...trusting that You are using even this as part of Your healing and deliverance...Your plan for me.