Pain...It's All Part of His Healing

I don't remember when it started...seems it was always a part of my life.  As far back as my memory takes me, I catch glimpses of me inflicting pain upon myself...the only means I knew to smother the vast array of emotions I was forbidden to express.

I do remember when it ended...that is quite clear.  October 20, 2007...You sent Your Word and healed me and delivered me from all my destructions.  You freed me from that destructive addiction of self-abuse.

Last month, You made it clear that I was to make the switch from Tysabri to Copaxone...and I had perfect peace.  I had no clue, administering these daily injections would resemble the self-inflicted horrors of my past.  I bring that needle to my skin and I tell myself it is for my good, not harm. I hesitate...my heart begging for a way out...refusing to abuse my body again.  Then, I remind myself that even you subjected yourself to suffering to produce perfection.  I push the button; the needle penetrates the skin; the tears swell as the sting of the medication spreads throughout my body...and I rest in the knowledge that your grace is enough for me, for when I am weak, You are strong.  

You knew what You were doing when You guided my doctor and me to make the switch to these daily injections.  You were completely aware of the memories that lay just under the surface of my mind...memories that would be rattled by this new form of treatment.  And You are still the God who heals and has healed me; the God who delivers and has delivered me; the God whose plans for me are for good and not for harm.

And so, in a few hours, I will once again load that syringe and administer healing to my body...relying on Your strength...trusting that You are using even this as part of Your healing and deliverance...Your plan for me.

Divine Clarity and Absolute Peace

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."  Jeremiah 29:11-13

God gave me this promise about six months after I had my first major exacerbation with MS.  I had no clue then what was wrong with me and in fact would go almost six more years before being diagnosed with MS.  Yet through the journey, I learned to trust in God's promise to me...learned what it meant to call upon Him, to go to Him, to pray and most importantly to seek Him with all my heart.  As I sought Him with my whole heart, I did indeed find Him and in finding Him, learned that I can trust His plans for me...His plans to prosper and not harm me...His plans for a hope and a future.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:4-6

Trusting Him means I don't try to figure things out on my own but I go to Him for answers about everything.  So, when things seem confusing--like what to do about my MS treatments--I know who has the answer.

"For the Lord gives wisdom; From His mouth come knowledge and understanding." Proverbs 2:6

I asked Him to give me wisdom in what to do and He did!  I also asked him to give me divine clarity that would override the effects of the double dose of Benadryl I had to take that morning and He did! He even provided a friend to drive me so that I had somebody with me who knew the decision I had come to before taking the Benadryl, knew all the questions I wanted to ask the doctor, take notes for me...all in case I was too out of it to think clearly.  It was also a blessing to not have to take the train and wait around in the heat. 

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

I had been praying about this for months.   My Sunday School class prayed with me on Sunday morning and by Sunday afternoon, I felt confident in what I needed to do.  I talked with two of my daughters that evening and both agreed with my decision.  I woke Monday morning with total peace about my decision, as I wrote it out for my friend.  My oldest daughter called that morning and as I shared the decision with her, she also agreed that was what I should do.  With all three girls in agreement with me, I was ready to go.  I had an absolute peace.  My heart was guarded by such powerful peace as I set off to make a very difficult decision that could impact my health. However, I knew, without a doubt, it was the right decision.

The meeting with the doctor went great.  I was so alert and truly did have divine clarity of mind.  I had some lightheadedness from the Benadryl and felt I could close my eyes and drift into a deep sleep, if I stopped for more than a few seconds.  Yet, I also felt so alert and clear headed.  I knew it was God honoring my prayer.  When the subject of the therapy I was on was discussed, my doctor actually recommended the exact course of treatment I had felt God leading me to do...down to every detail!!!  Talk about confirmation!!!  It was simply more than I could have asked for or imagined.

"Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21

Desperate for an Answer......BUT GOD!!

Today's blog is different than I usually write.  Today, I need to just share my heart...to nobody in particular...just ramble.  Tomorrow is a big day...a day that could change the course of my life...and not necessarily for the good...physically speaking...humanly speaking.......BUT GOD!

I will try and explain things as I go along in case anybody stops by who doesn't know me.  I have Multiple Sclerosis...have had it for at least nine years...probably more like 20 years.  After almost seven years of one debilitating relapse after another, and losing a good part of my vision, God opened the door for me to get into the MS Center in Dallas where I was finally diagnosed and put on Tysabri.  I've not had any major exacerbations since.  I have days the MS affects me but not to the extent it was and I've not had any more attacks of Optic Neuritis which is what has caused my vision loss.

Tysabri carries with it a risk of getting a rare brain infection  called progressive multifocal leukoencephalopathy (PML), which is always fatal.   New research shows this risk increases in patients who have been on the drug for more than two years.  Because of this new research, we are required to meet with our doctors after our 24th infusion to discuss future treatment plans.

I had my 24th infusion last month and tomorrow is decision day for me.  Up to this point, I have felt the benefits of Tysabri have been greater than the risk. The risk is now at a level which I am not near as comfortable taking.  However, the reason I was put on this particular MS therapy is because it is the only one known to target the area of the brain that affects the optic nerves.  

The optic neuritis aspect of the MS had begun to enter the progressive stage and we were able to stop that through this therapy.  To switch to another form of therapy would mean treating the MS as a whole, hoping--and certainly praying--it will keep the optic nerves under control......BUT GOD!!

In addition, I would have to go off the Tysabri for several months before I can start on any other form of therapy...hoping, praying and a great deal of trusting God that my body stays in remission without the aid of any drugs......BUT GOD!!

This Texas heat gets harder and harder on me every year. So, right now, the thought of going three to six months without any form of therapy feels like a death sentence in itself.  Yet, I know that relapses with MS are not fatal and even losing my vision altogether would be better than death.  Still, only God knows which is the greater risk.  I cannot base my decision on fear...fear of death or fear of total blindness......BUT GOD!!

I know God knows the answer. He tells me to lean not on my own understanding; that He will direct my paths. He tells me that He gives wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding. He tells me to seek Him and He will be found.  He tells me to cast my cares upon Him...to be anxious for nothing. 

I am seeking Him and trusting Him for the right answer...I just would like Him to show me before I go tomorrow.  See, I have an MRI before my appointment.  Because I'm allergic to the MRI contrast, I have to be pre-medicated with Benadryl...which knocks me out.  So, when I see my doctor a couple of hours later, I'm not going to be the most coherent person in the world.  I'm sure my doctor will discuss the risks and options--which we've already gone over--and I don't want to make a decision based on something she says that may sound a little different due to my drugged state of thinking.  I want to make a decision when I'm of a sound mind.......BUT GOD.

Yes, that is when I have to step back and say, "BUT GOD".  I have to remember that if God can speak through a donkey, he can speak the words that need to be spoken through my Benadryl laced mind.  I have to remember the days when the MS had so messed up my cognition that I couldn't put two words together, yet I delivered His truths to a group of women, changing lives so dramatically that they talk about it still today.  Yes...BUT GOD!!!  

He is still God and He will give me direction about what to do regarding my treatment. It will be the right decision; the right words will come to me when I need to know them; and He will make sure they come out of my mouth when it is time to tell my doctor.  Ahhh...peace......ONLY GOD!!!

My Source of Strength

Father,

This devotion speaks so deeply to my heart…in many ways.  So many things are crying out for my attention…bills, paperwork, Rachel’s needs, other people’s needs, thank you notes, and so much more.  I feel so overwhelmed, if not for you, Father.  I don’t know where to start.  The heat has gotten to me and my energy is just totally shot…not an ounce of it there to even begin any of these things.  And my mind is mush to the point that I can’t focus or even put a sentence together to pray for those on my heart.  The burdens are so great…yet nothing comes out when I try to pray because my mind is so fatigued. I’m so glad your Holy Spirit is there to intercede on my behalf…and on behalf of those for whom I long to intercede.

All day today, I have thought of Philippians 4:13. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”  I know I can do what you have called me to do—both ministry and personal responsibility—through the strength you give me…the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual strength.  I am reminded of 2 Corinthians 2:9 which tells me that your power is made perfect in my weakness.  And Isaiah 40:31 tells me, as I wait and lean upon you, you will renew my strength so that I will walk and not grow weary; I will run without fainting; I will even soar with eagle’s wings.

Thank you, Father, that I do find sweet rest and victory in your strength. Thank you for enabling me to do above and beyond anything I could ever do in my own strength.  Thank you for your promise in Philippians 1:6 that you will finish the work you started in me.  I'm so glad you are my Father...and in control.  Yes, you are faithful and you will do it. (1 Thessalonians 5:24)

I love you!

Debbie

The Gift of a Handicap

The Gift of a Handicap^©

I walked out of my local grocery store, shifting my three bags of groceries, to distribute the weight evenly.  As I began my trek across the parking lot to the bus stop where I would catch the city bus, I suddenly felt the urge to walk to a different stop, further down the road. I had plenty of time; the weather was beautiful; and I would much rather walk than sit and wait.

Upon nearing the lot of a fast food restaurant, I noticed three rough-looking young men, with their pants hanging around their knees, standing around a car.  Normally, I would have cut through that lot but felt uneasy about doing so, due to the presence of these hoodlums.  I changed my course and took the sidewalk instead.  I was still in quite close proximity, as I passed them. However, a hedge of bushes separated us, giving me a sense of security.  I picked up my pace, trying to pass as quickly as possible, and was startled when one of them asked me if I had a dollar.  “No,” I answered, without missing a beat to my stride. 

No sooner had that word left my mouth than I heard the Holy Spirit speak to my heart, “You have a debit card. Go see what that young man needs.”

I am not one to argue with God but did need to make sure I was hearing from Him. So, in my polite inner voice, I asked if He was sure He wanted me to go back and admit to those three roughnecks—who looked like murderers or drug dealers—that I had a debit card in my possession and ask them what they needed.  God reassured me saying, “Yes…trust me.”

I paused to glance back at the men and noticed the one who had spoken to me was crossing the street with a gas can.  Perfect! I felt much better dealing with only one of them.  I raced quickly across the street—praying the entire time—then marched right up to him, asking him if he needed gas.  He nodded, hesitantly.  I told him I didn’t have a dollar but did carry plastic and would be happy to buy him some gasoline.  I inserted my card then had him fill his gas can.  I shared how people have blessed me, in the past, and it was my turn to bless him.  

I wished him a good day and we went our separate ways. I felt like skipping the entire two miles home…and probably would have, had I not been weighed down with three bags of groceries.  Instead, I simply smiled, thanking God, once again, for MS.  For you see, I am legally blind—and unable to drive—due to Multiple Sclerosis (MS).  I would never have been walking to the bus stop, if not for MS.  Buying gas for that young man is just one of many opportunities I have had to share the love of Jesus through acts of kindness or proclaiming my testimony, when riding the city bus or commuter train. 

None of us are exempt from “disabilities”…weaknesses, hardships, trials, and other limitations that the world—and the enemy—use to handicap us, making us ineffective for Christ. God wants to transform those disabilities into HIS abilities that shine a light in a dark world, offer hope where all hope is lost, or even fill a gas can for one of God’s dearly beloved. I spent several years floundering in the gutter, captive to the lies that I was helpless and had nothing to offer.  Then one day, the Lord so tenderly spoke to me through a passage written by Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (MSG)

“Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the  weaker I get, the stronger I become.”

Yes, I thank God for MS…for blindness…for the gift of a handicap. 

By Debbie Guinn

^©April 15, 2010