Pain...It's All Part of His Healing

I don't remember when it started...seems it was always a part of my life.  As far back as my memory takes me, I catch glimpses of me inflicting pain upon myself...the only means I knew to smother the vast array of emotions I was forbidden to express.

I do remember when it ended...that is quite clear.  October 20, 2007...You sent Your Word and healed me and delivered me from all my destructions.  You freed me from that destructive addiction of self-abuse.

Last month, You made it clear that I was to make the switch from Tysabri to Copaxone...and I had perfect peace.  I had no clue, administering these daily injections would resemble the self-inflicted horrors of my past.  I bring that needle to my skin and I tell myself it is for my good, not harm. I hesitate...my heart begging for a way out...refusing to abuse my body again.  Then, I remind myself that even you subjected yourself to suffering to produce perfection.  I push the button; the needle penetrates the skin; the tears swell as the sting of the medication spreads throughout my body...and I rest in the knowledge that your grace is enough for me, for when I am weak, You are strong.  

You knew what You were doing when You guided my doctor and me to make the switch to these daily injections.  You were completely aware of the memories that lay just under the surface of my mind...memories that would be rattled by this new form of treatment.  And You are still the God who heals and has healed me; the God who delivers and has delivered me; the God whose plans for me are for good and not for harm.

And so, in a few hours, I will once again load that syringe and administer healing to my body...relying on Your strength...trusting that You are using even this as part of Your healing and deliverance...Your plan for me.

How Do I Respond?

It was June 19th...a Saturday.  I was preparing to go on a much anticipated trip to Colorado, where my body would surely come to life in the mountains and cooler air...away from the scorching heat of Texas.  She stopped by the house to visit and during the course of the conversation, informed me that she and her boyfriend had made plans to move in together.  

It was August 1st...a Sunday.  I was relaxing at home after teaching a Sunday school class on our Father's love, followed by an hour of loving on God's precious little ones in the nursery.  I opened my email and listened as she shared a very secret part of her life...now ready to share with me and various others that she has a nearly three-month old daughter.

It was September 9th...a Thursday.  I called to ask a question about her daughter when she burst into tears, leaving me wondering what it was I said.  A few hours later, as we sat in the privacy of my bedroom, she confided her torment of an eight-year emotionless marriage, a recent emotional affair and being abandoned by friends in the process.

Three women, in three months...all dear to my heart...all living a life of sin.  

How should I as a Christian respond?  How do I respond?

In each and every case, God immediately brought to mind the story of the woman caught in adultery (John Chapter 8).  Three specifics phrases, spoken by Jesus, stood out to me.

     1) "Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her."(Vs. 7 ESV)  

         I cannot judge or condemn...for I have sinned. Even one sin disqualifies me.

     2) "Neither do I condemn you" (Vs. 8 ESV)

         Loving like Jesus means offering grace and forgiveness rather than condemnation.

     3) "...go, and from now on sin no more." (Vs. 8 ESV)

         I am not Jesus; nor am I the Holy Spirit.  Telling them to go and sin no more is not my place or responsibility. The Holy Spirit must convict them of their sin and bring them to a place of repentance.   My place is to help my sisters, who are caught in sin, meet Jesus face to face.  I do this by walking beside them; constantly pointing them to Him; teaching them to follow Him, so they will come to the place of sinning no more. 

Father, may I love as Jesus loved...in a way that reflects His forgiveness and grace, without condemnation...willing to walk beside...always pointing to Jesus.

Seeking Him for Unanswered Questions

This past month has been a whirlwind, to say the least. Four weeks ago today, I was getting on a plane for Colorado, where I spent eight wonderful days in the Rocky Mountains with my daughter, Rachel, and some wonderful friends. After ten furious days filled with unpacking, laundry, repacking, doctor appointments, team meetings, teaching my women's Sunday School class, and celebrating my daughter's birthday, I boarded the plane once again...this time, heading for the mountains and mission field of Quito Ecuador, for eight days.

I feel like I should be writing a prayer update to my supporters--or at the least, updating my Facebook--letting people know how the mission trip went. Instead, I sit here, unable to do much more than cry out to my Father, God...searching for answers as to what it is that He is wanting to do in my heart.

The trip was amazing in many ways. I fell in love with so many of the children we worked with at Amor y Exparanza... 

as well as the majestic mountains which surround the city...a reminder that God is still God over this city full of poverty, crime and devastation.

I was in charge of the music for VBS and I have never experienced children worship like I did in Quito. I wanted to weep every single day as I watched those children embrace each other, lifting their hands, bowing to their knees in prayer, as they sang "Tu Fidelidad" (You are Faithful).

We saw God work in so many ways, answering on our behalf, as soon as we turned to Him in prayer.  (You can read more about the many answered prayers on our Quito 2010 blog.)

At the same time, my heart was struggling in ways I could not express...ways I had not anticipated.  A theme God had given me several months prior to this mission trip was "expect the unexpected from unexpected people."  I had shortened that to "expect the unexpected."  I must say I saw many unexpected things happen during this trip...much of it coming from unexpected people.  For example, I never expected those children to bless me like they did through their worship.  Oh, I expected to be blessed by them...just not to the extent I was through the way they worshiped in song.

However, when God gave me that phrase, I thought it meant only good things.  I never dreamed He was preparing me to face pain in areas where I least expected it and from people whom I least expected it....and I certainly never expected it to happen on a mission trip.  You see, as I headed to Quito, I was--in reality--expecting the expected from expected people.  I was expecting good from good people...whether it be those I came into contact with as I ministered at the school, did our work project, at the airport, or other places we went.  I was not expecting heartache and pain...other than that of seeing the suffering in Ecuador.  So, when it hit, I was not prepared; I was not expecting it...and certainly not from the sources from which it came.

I realize, however, that it is only a continuation of something God has been trying to teach me for the past several months...something I am desperately trying to learn...yet something I am still clueless as to what it is.  I feel there is a battle raging within me...one where a part of me wants to withdraw from the world and never write or speak again. In fact, I never want to open my mouth and utter a single word.  I'd rather retreat into my shell as the quiet, withdrawn person I used to be because I feel that is what others perfer.  Yet, I know God wants to teach me through everything that has gone on--not only this past week, but the past several months.  I know that He loves me too much to allow anything into my life that isn't ultimately for my good and His glory. Therefore, all of what has taken place is somehow a part of His plan and I will seek His face until He reveals it to me...however long it takes.

And so, I am pressing hard in to Him today...thankful that very few people ever read this blog...that it is a safe place where I can share my heart, along with what little I can right now about my trip.  I need time to process things and then i will share more with others when I am able..