Father, blogging is hard, writing is hard, thinking is hard...being real and vulnerable are hard.
I'm not myself these days Medication, MS and pain are affecting me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually...and I don't want others to know. I just want to hide and draw in to You...seek Your face...be in Your presence...it will all be better. I'm struggling to find You...hear You...see Your face, feel Your warm embrace. My mind is a maze of disconnected thoughts that can't seem to discern how to make sense of anything...not even Your Word...Your voice.
I know You are here...You've promised never to leave me and You have proved faithful more times than I can count. It's just another test of my faith...blind faith...to trust You even when I can't find You.
Draw me into Your presence, Father...I fix my blind eyes on You. And I sing with David...
"God, you are my God
I greatly long for you.
With all my heart I thirst for you
in this dry desert
where there is no water.
I have seen you in the sacred tent.
There I have seen your power and your glory.
Your love is better than life.
I will bring glory to you with my lips
I will praise you as long as I live.
I will lift up my hand when I pray to you.
I will be as satisfied as if I had eaten the best food there is.
It all started when I had that dream, several months ago...a dream in which my pastor preached a sermon entitled, "Expect the Unexpected from Unexpected People." Some may scoff, thinking a simple dream couldn't possibly revolutionize a person's life...but this particular dream certainly did mine.
"Expecting the unexpected" demands faith...not just saying, "I believe," but letting go of normal and routine to grasp the unknown and sometimes unacceptable. It means disappointment when you fall back into the rut of expecting the expected. Yet the results are amazing blessings...beyond anything one could ever imagine.
"Expecting the unexpected" has become the theme of my life, in conjunction with my desire to be a part of whatever it is God wants to do in and through me. My heart cry is to be an unexpected person in the lives of those I come into contact with, never missing an unexpected opportunity made possible by God. I've seen God open doors for me to minister to--and be ministered to--by people I would have never before expected. He has formed relationships in the most "unexpected" of circumstances, using the most "unexpected" resources.
One such unexpected experience came just a few weeks ago when I got an email from somebody who is very dear to my heart...almost like a daughter.
She had joined our family for dinner around Christmas but then had been busy for several months. So, we had communicated only online or by phone until June, when we celebrated her birthday. We met again in July and all seemed well as we laughed and talked over some delicious cheesecake.
So, yes, it was very unexpected, when on August 1st, I got an email from her, informing me that she had a three-month old daughter. Her heart was breaking...as was mine. We met a few days later and I learned that she had nothing for her precious baby girl...not even a crib. (She was sleeping in a borrowed car seat.) My heart was in prayer prior to and during our entire time together, longing to be so filled with Christ's love...a love that doesn't condemn but points her to Him so that she may go and sin no more.
I felt God leading me to have a baby shower for her and her precious daughter. This shower was about much more than meeting the material needs for her baby. The greater need was that she be showered with pure unconditional love. I knew she had few friends and that meant a huge step of faith for me...faith that God would provide her many needs...faith that people would respond.
I approached her with the idea of the shower and she melted with disbelief and gratefulness that I would do such a thing. With her permission, I would invited several of my friends to the shower.
I had never asked people to reach out to a total stranger, in this capacity, before. Yet, I knew God was calling me to do it. I truly believed this was one of those "expect the unexpected" events and only God knew who was to be there and who wasn't. So, I prayed about who to invite and sent out the invitations, trusting God to lead those He wanted involved to participate in whatever manner they could.The enemy tried to attack and thwart in so many ways--even a threat from the baby's father to cancel the shower--but I continued in prayer and stood firm...expecting the unexpected.
None of her friends made it to the shower. She was nearly in tears an hour beforehand, and was hesitant to come, when she found out the last of her friends wasn't going to make it. I persuaded her to come on, knowing a little of what what awaited her. She definitely got some unexpected--and much needed--encouragement that day.
I cannot begin to describe the joy that was evident in her face as she opened the many gifts people she didn't even know gave her and her baby. Every need she had was met...and then some...a swing, crib, glider (rocker), Bumbo, exersaucer, blankets, stroller, sling, toys, sheets, towels, and more clothes than she could have ever hoped for or imagined.
When God speaks to people and they obey, His work is accomplished. She was blessed beyond words! As we helped her set things up at her apartment, she could not stop thanking me, expressing how much it meant to her. She experienced love like she has never known.
I had no intention of gaining anything from this shower; the thought never even crossed my mind. This was all about God meeting her needs...it was about her feeling loved and encouraged...or so I thought. So, it was certainly unexpected when I found my own self relishing in an abundance of love and encouragement that night...and the days following.
My own heart was filled to the brim and overflowing with the love that my friends had poured out on some one so dear to me. For you see, when they loved her, they loved me. That must be how God feels when we love His children..."when you have done it unto the least of these, you have done it unto me."
(Turn off music player at bottom of page before playing.)
Tu fidelidad is grande. Tu fidelidad incomparable es. Nadie como tu bendito Dios. Grande es tu fidelidad.
Your faithfulness is great. Your faithfulness is incomparable. There is no one like You God. Great is Your faithfulness!
I praise You for who You are...that You are faithful and can be trusted. I thank You for showing us yet again this week just how great Your faithfulness is...in my precious niece and great niece's lives, in my daughters' lives, in my own life. How could I ever doubt You, Lord? Yet, so often I do.
My heart is rejoicing at the way You have answered so many of my prayers this week...sometimes exactly as I have asked, sometimes above and beyond anything I could have ever have asked for or imagined, sometimes in a way I would not have hoped, but always in a way that was absolutely perfect, in accordance with Your will for our lives. Yes, Your faithfulness is incomparable!
My heart is also heavy with burdens of so many friends who are hurting with various things right now. I think of S & R, sifting through the news that the cyst on his brain is once again filling up with fluid...the surgery they hoped was going to cure him didn't. I think of D, still in such excruciating pain, more than six weeks after her surgery. I think of my sister, having major surgery today, due to a second battle with cancer...a new form of cancer...after being cancer free for five years. I think of B, in the hospital, recovering from a brain injury caused by a head on collision by a drunk driver.
My heart breaks for C, J, M, S all struggling with deep, painful relationship issues...all with wounds so deep they find it hard to move forward in community with other believers...wounds that threaten to destroy them and the ministries You have for each of them. Then there are D and J who lost two dear loved ones in their family this past week and the pain they are both experiencing right now. I think of far too many to name, who are struggling with the emotional pain of rejection, abuse, divorce, and more...deeply wounded hearts.
You tell me in Your Word that when I am weary and carrying a heavy burden that I can come to You. You tell me to cast all of my cares upon You. You tell me not to be anxious about anything but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving to present my requests to You. You tell me to ask, seek, and knock. And so, that is what I am doing. I am once again, bringing my heavy load and laying it at Your feet, asking You to work on behalf of each of my dear friends and family members; seeking wisdom for any involvement You would have from me.
How reassuring it is to know that You never get tired of me asking, seeking and knocking. You are never bothered or perturbed when I come to You with the same request over and over again. When You bring them to mind, I simply lay them before You, as often as the burden is on my heart. But, I never need to pick them up and carry them again. For I am laying them at the feet of my God who is faithful...and can be trusted. I don't have to take these burdens up again because I know I can trust YOU with each and every one of them.
Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, Your faithfulness to the skies. (Psalm 36:5)
"Know therefore that the LORD Your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands." Deuteronomy 7:9
Today's blog is different than I usually write. Today, I need to just share my heart...to nobody in particular...just ramble. Tomorrow is a big day...a day that could change the course of my life...and not necessarily for the good...physically speaking...humanly speaking.......BUT GOD!
I will try and explain things as I go along in case anybody stops by who doesn't know me. I have Multiple Sclerosis...have had it for at least nine years...probably more like 20 years. After almost seven years of one debilitating relapse after another, and losing a good part of my vision, God opened the door for me to get into the MS Center in Dallas where I was finally diagnosed and put on Tysabri. I've not had any major exacerbations since. I have days the MS affects me but not to the extent it was and I've not had any more attacks of Optic Neuritis which is what has caused my vision loss. Tysabri carries with it a risk of getting a rare brain infection called progressive multifocal leukoencephalopathy (PML), which is always fatal. New research shows this risk increases in patients who have been on the drug for more than two years. Because of this new research, we are required to meet with our doctors after our 24th infusion to discuss future treatment plans.
I had my 24th infusion last month and tomorrow is decision day for me. Up to this point, I have felt the benefits of Tysabri have been greater than the risk. The risk is now at a level which I am not near as comfortable taking. However, the reason I was put on this particular MS therapy is because it is the only one known to target the area of the brain that affects the optic nerves.
The optic neuritis aspect of the MS had begun to enter the progressive stage and we were able to stop that through this therapy. To switch to another form of therapy would mean treating the MS as a whole, hoping--and certainly praying--it will keep the optic nerves under control......BUT GOD!!
In addition, I would have to go off the Tysabri for several months before I can start on any other form of therapy...hoping, praying and a great deal of trusting God that my body stays in remission without the aid of any drugs......BUT GOD!!
This Texas heat gets harder and harder on me every year. So, right now, the thought of going three to six months without any form of therapy feels like a death sentence in itself. Yet, I know that relapses with MS are not fatal and even losing my vision altogether would be better than death. Still, only God knows which is the greater risk. I cannot base my decision on fear...fear of death or fear of total blindness......BUT GOD!!
I know God knows the answer. He tells me to lean not on my own understanding; that He will direct my paths. He tells me that He gives wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding. He tells me to seek Him and He will be found. He tells me to cast my cares upon Him...to be anxious for nothing. I am seeking Him and trusting Him for the right answer...I just would like Him to show me before I go tomorrow. See, I have an MRI before my appointment. Because I'm allergic to the MRI contrast, I have to be pre-medicated with Benadryl...which knocks me out. So, when I see my doctor a couple of hours later, I'm not going to be the most coherent person in the world. I'm sure my doctor will discuss the risks and options--which we've already gone over--and I don't want to make a decision based on something she says that may sound a little different due to my drugged state of thinking. I want to make a decision when I'm of a sound mind.......BUT GOD.
Yes, that is when I have to step back and say, "BUT GOD". I have to remember that if God can speak through a donkey, he can speak the words that need to be spoken through my Benadryl laced mind. I have to remember the days when the MS had so messed up my cognition that I couldn't put two words together, yet I delivered His truths to a group of women, changing lives so dramatically that they talk about it still today. Yes...BUT GOD!!!
He is still God and He will give me direction about what to do regarding my treatment. It will be the right decision; the right words will come to me when I need to know them; and He will make sure they come out of my mouth when it is time to tell my doctor. Ahhh...peace......ONLY GOD!!!
This is an article I wrote in January 2009 that is the basis for the class I taught this morning. It is Part 3 of a three part series, entitled Understanding the Father's Love. Click on the links, within the article, to read Parts 1 and 2.
Last January—January 6, 2008, to be exact—our pastor preached a sermon that has continued to make an impact on my life, even today. This sermon, titled “Resolutions to Remember” was not your ordinary new year’s resolution pep talk. It was taken from Matthew 22:34-40 and he challenged us with two resolutions that we not only should make but also showed us how those were resolutions that we could keep all year long…and longer.
In Matthew 22:37, Jesus tells the Pharisees that the greatest commandment in the law is “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” Our number one resolution should be to love God with all of who we are…with every single fiber of our being. Our pastor explained how we often try to put God as our top priority, placing family, friends, careers, etc. in a priority list under Him. However, that doesn’t work because we often end up separating God out from those other things. He explained that loving God should be our defining priority—like the center of a wheel—with all of the other things in our lives stemming out from Him (like spokes). When loving Him is our defining priority, it will influence every other relationship and commitment we have in our life.
Jesus goes on in Matthew 22:39 to say that the second greatest commandment is to “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Many people have used this verse to say that Jesus is telling us we need to love ourselves before we can love others. However, that isn’t what Jesus is saying. He was talking to the Pharisees who had no problem loving themselves; they thought quite highly of themselves already. Jesus is saying that we are to love others in the exact same way that we love ourselves…to elevate others to the same level we value ourselves.
Notice that verse 40 says “All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." Think about that for a minute. If I steal, bear false witness (lie), commit adultery, dishonor my parents, covet, etc., my attitude is in a place that says I am of more value than you. Do you see how all these commandments are summed up under this one? The Pharisees had created hundreds of laws but all of the God given laws go back to these two commandments right here.
I am constantly amazed at God’s perfect timing. I have longed to finish the series I started back in June on Understanding the Father’s Love. Month after month, I have sat down and tried to write this third segment but God has redirected me to another topic. Today, however, I see how perfect His timing is as I remember just how much He taught me in this very area one year ago today when He convicted and challenged me in my own heart to respond to His love for me by loving in return.
Understanding my Father’s love has been a step by step process for me…one where each step has built on the other. Since it has been so long since I’ve written on this subject, I do want to do just a brief review of what I’ve talked about already. The first step for me was to fully understand that father/child relationship with my Father…to see myself as a Daddy’s girl. To read more about this, check out the June article, Daddy’s Girl. Once, I clearly established that relationship, I began to understand more of the width and length, height and depth of Christ’s love. As I did, I found that I was able to trust God more and more with my life…finding that His love for me was perfect and perfect love does indeed cast out all fear. My July article, Freedom from Fear, talked about the incredible freedom from fear that I have found as I have learned to trust His perfect love for me.
That brings us to this article. As I began experiencing freedom from fear, that freedom went far beyond the basic fears of something terrible happening to one of my children, financial ruin, etc. I also found myself free from other fears such as the fear to love. I opened my heart to God’s love, trusting in His perfect love, and discovered I was no longer afraid to love…to love not only God but others as well. So, how could understanding my Father’s love for me enable me to love others without fear?
I didn’t exactly jump from understanding God’s love for me to being able to love others. It began with loving Him, first and foremost. Loving God actually came somewhat easily once I understood just how much He loved me. It really isn’t hard to love those we know truly love us; it just seems to come naturally once that trust is developed. When we know we are loved by a parent, spouse, or friend, our natural response is to love them in return. It is the same with God. The more I comprehended just how deeply God loved me, the more in love with Him I became.
Last January 6th, I made a commitment to God to make loving Him my defining priority. That sermon made so much sense to me. I had tried for years to make Him my top priority and always failed because I never knew how to find time for all the other important things in life without setting Him aside. When I heard that simple concept of making Him the defining priority, rather than the top priority, it all made sense. My constant prayer this year has been that loving Him would be at the center, influencing every single thing that I do.
As I began to really focus on loving God, I noticed a connection between loving Him and being loved by Him. I so wanted to love Him with every ounce of my being, not because I was commanded to but because the more I understood how much He loved me, the more I wanted to love Him in return. It was just this natural sense of wanting—a yearning with all that was within me—to love Him in return. I didn’t need a command to make me love Him…I longed to love Him. 1 John 4:19—“We love because he loved us first.”—took on new meaning for me.
I am able to love, not only God but others as well, because He loved me first. It is His love for me that enables me to love. 1 John 4:7-8 begins with a command to love one another. However, it explains that love comes from God. I must first know God and be born of Him in order to love; I cannot love, if I do not know God because God IS love. As I learn to accept, receive and trust His love then I am free to love in return…and oh how wonderful that freedom is!
It doesn’t end there, though. 1 John 4:11-12 says “Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.”.The word we get “complete” from in the Greek means "to bring to an end by completing or perfecting; to add what is yet wanting in order to render a thing full.” It is in loving others that God’s love comes full circle so to speak. All emptiness and longing to be loved is made full—is perfected and made complete—when I love others out of His love for me.
I am able to love because He loved me first. The more I understand God’s unfathomable love for me, the more I find it impossible to keep that love to myself. I am free to love and long to love God with all of my heart, soul and mind and to love others as myself. As I do so, the deep longing that I’ve always had to be loved is being filled to overflowing with the most perfect love imaginable…the love of my Father.
I challenge you to make loving the Lord your God with all or who you are your defining priority this year…your Number One Resolution. My second challenge is that loving your neighbor as yourself—placing the same value on others as you do yourself—will be your Number Two Resolution. If you can’t do those two things, then I pray that you will ask the Father to help you understand his love for you. (My two previous articles on Understanding the Father’s Love—Daddy’s Girl and Freedom from Fear—might help.)
About three weeks ago, I developed an ear infection that brought my life to a screeching halt.Not only was I in excruciating pain, I was also experiencing a great deal of vertigo, balance issues and severe hearing loss.After two weeks and two different antibiotics, I returned to my physician thinking I had not responded to either of the antibiotics because I felt no better.The doctor looked in my ear and informed me that the infection was gone but I had a lot of fluid built up in the middle ear.My sinuses were blocked, not allowing the fluid to drain properly. Fluid was causing all the current pain, hearing loss, and vertigo…not infection.
I see such a parallel in this illustration and the way many of us—myself included—often responds to God’s healing in our lives.We pray for healing in certain areas and He is faithful to heal.Yet, we do not recognize the healing when it comes.We continue to live as broken, wounded victims, unable to experience the healing we have received because of fear, doubt, unforgiveness, and more.
In John Chapter 5, Jesus meets a man, at the pool called Bethesda, who has been sick for 38 years. This man has been lying on a mat by the pool, hoping to be the first one in the pool when the angel stirs the waters, so that he might be made well. However, he is so weak and feeble; somebody always beats him into the water.Jesus, knowing how long he has been sick, asks him if he wants to be made well.I find his response quite interesting. He never answers Jesus question. Instead, he gives the reason for why he cannot receive the healing offered in the pool.In verse 8, Jesus says to the man, “Rise, take up your bed and walk.”Verse 9 goes on to tell us, “And immediately the man was made well, took up his bed, and walked….”
Let’s break this story down just a little and see how it applies to our own lives. The first point I want to make is that Jesus not only knew the man was sick, He even knew how long he had been sick.He knows all about our wounds:what or who caused them, how deep they are, and how long they have been there.Just like with this man, nothing is too severe for God to heal. It does not matter if it is a one-week old, a 38-year old, or even a 98-year old wound.God sent Jesus to heal us (Psalm 107:20, Luke 4:18) and He did not put limitations on that healing.
Another thing I find in this story comes from verses 6 and 7 when Jesus asks the man if he wants to be made well and the man’s response is not a “Yes” or “No” but rather excuses for why he is not yet healed.During Jesus’ time on earth, we often heard Him say, “Your faith has made you well.” He didn’t say that to this man; this man did not have faith. However, God healed him despite his lack of faith.God does not base His healing on our faith. He heals because He desires to see His children whole.Sometimes, He wants to test our faith in the situation. Other times, He simply wants to lavish His love on us, His children.In this case, this man had all but lost hope and faith in ever getting well.God chose to show His power and in doing so caused the man to have faith in Him, as we will see next.
This man had suffered from his ailment for 38 years. He was so weak that he could not even get himself into the pool before others. Yet, when Jesus told him to rise, verse 9 tells us he was immediately made well.The Greek word for “rise” is “egeirō”.According to Thayer’s Lexicon, “egeirō” means to cause one down with disease—lying sick—to recover.When Jesus told this man to arise, He was pronouncing healing on him.This healing was instantaneous, leaving no room for doubt and this man suddenly had hope again…and faith.
How do I know he now had faith? Jesus did more than tell this man to arise. He also told him to take up his bed and walk.Verse 9 says the man was immediately made well, then goes on to say he took up his bed and walked.It would take a great deal of faith to pick up his mat and walk, after all those years of lying around too sick to even crawl a few feet to get into the pool.
That brings us to my main point…this man took up his bed and walked. After Jesus healed him, he could have stayed there on his pallet where he had grown comfortable in life. After all, he had no responsibilities, no demands, and no stressors.Oh my, he would have to take care of himself if others heard of his healing.People would not feel sorry for him anymore. Where would he live? What kind of trade would he be able to learn at his age?What if he tried to stand up and fell on his face? Everybody would laugh.What if he got sick again and lost his prime spot by the pool?It really would be safer to stay right where he was. He didn’t need to pick up his bed and take off on a hike to who knows where.He could just enjoy his healing from there.In fact, he could be a witness for Jesus, telling other sick people about how He healed him…from right there beside the pool.
That sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it?Yet how many of us do the exact same thing?God heals us of the wounds from our past but we are afraid to take up our beds and walk.We ask God to heal us from bitterness and unforgiveness…and He does.However, we continue with our vow never to trust anybody…too afraid of being hurt again.We have become comfortable living as a victim—enjoying the sympathy of others—and allow fear, insecurity, doubt, and more to keep us living as if we are still that victim, long after God has healed us of abuse.God heals us of addictions or unhealthy lifestyles. Yet the fear of failing keeps us from taking responsibility in our lives. Therefore, we become stagnant…never moving forward.
The Greek word for “walked” is “peripateō”.Thayer’s Lexicon defines “peripateō”, “to make one's way, progress; to make due use of opportunities.” I just love that!When the man in John Chapter 5 took up his bed and walked, he was making his way, making progress, making use of opportunities…new opportunities presented to him because of the healing he had received.When God heals us, He presents us with new opportunities…opportunities to make progress…opportunities to walk in His healing.It is up to us whether we are going to stay by the pool or take up our bed and walk.
Jesus said in John 10:10 (MSG) “A thief is only there to steal and kill and destroy.I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of.” Do not let the enemy steal the full, abundant life that Christ came to bring you by trapping “fluid in your ears”, long after your Father has healed the infection.Take up your bed and walk.
