Today's blog is different than I usually write. Today, I need to just share my heart...to nobody in particular...just ramble. Tomorrow is a big day...a day that could change the course of my life...and not necessarily for the good...physically speaking...humanly speaking.......BUT GOD!
I will try and explain things as I go along in case anybody stops by who doesn't know me. I have Multiple Sclerosis...have had it for at least nine years...probably more like 20 years. After almost seven years of one debilitating relapse after another, and losing a good part of my vision, God opened the door for me to get into the MS Center in Dallas where I was finally diagnosed and put on Tysabri. I've not had any major exacerbations since. I have days the MS affects me but not to the extent it was and I've not had any more attacks of Optic Neuritis which is what has caused my vision loss.
Tysabri carries with it a risk of getting a rare brain infection called progressive multifocal leukoencephalopathy (PML), which is always fatal. New research shows this risk increases in patients who have been on the drug for more than two years. Because of this new research, we are required to meet with our doctors after our 24th infusion to discuss future treatment plans.
I had my 24th infusion last month and tomorrow is decision day for me. Up to this point, I have felt the benefits of Tysabri have been greater than the risk. The risk is now at a level which I am not near as comfortable taking. However, the reason I was put on this particular MS therapy is because it is the only one known to target the area of the brain that affects the optic nerves.
The optic neuritis aspect of the MS had begun to enter the progressive stage and we were able to stop that through this therapy. To switch to another form of therapy would mean treating the MS as a whole, hoping--and certainly praying--it will keep the optic nerves under control......BUT GOD!!
In addition, I would have to go off the Tysabri for several months before I can start on any other form of therapy...hoping, praying and a great deal of trusting God that my body stays in remission without the aid of any drugs......BUT GOD!!
This Texas heat gets harder and harder on me every year. So, right now, the thought of going three to six months without any form of therapy feels like a death sentence in itself. Yet, I know that relapses with MS are not fatal and even losing my vision altogether would be better than death. Still, only God knows which is the greater risk. I cannot base my decision on fear...fear of death or fear of total blindness......BUT GOD!!
I know God knows the answer. He tells me to lean not on my own understanding; that He will direct my paths. He tells me that He gives wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding. He tells me to seek Him and He will be found. He tells me to cast my cares upon Him...to be anxious for nothing.
I am seeking Him and trusting Him for the right answer...I just would like Him to show me before I go tomorrow. See, I have an MRI before my appointment. Because I'm allergic to the MRI contrast, I have to be pre-medicated with Benadryl...which knocks me out. So, when I see my doctor a couple of hours later, I'm not going to be the most coherent person in the world. I'm sure my doctor will discuss the risks and options--which we've already gone over--and I don't want to make a decision based on something she says that may sound a little different due to my drugged state of thinking. I want to make a decision when I'm of a sound mind.......BUT GOD.
Yes, that is when I have to step back and say, "BUT GOD". I have to remember that if God can speak through a donkey, he can speak the words that need to be spoken through my Benadryl laced mind. I have to remember the days when the MS had so messed up my cognition that I couldn't put two words together, yet I delivered His truths to a group of women, changing lives so dramatically that they talk about it still today. Yes...BUT GOD!!!
He is still God and He will give me direction about what to do regarding my treatment. It will be the right decision; the right words will come to me when I need to know them; and He will make sure they come out of my mouth when it is time to tell my doctor. Ahhh...peace......ONLY GOD!!!
Showing posts with label questions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label questions. Show all posts
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
Seeking Him for Unanswered Questions
This past month has been a whirlwind, to say the least. Four weeks ago today, I was getting on a plane for Colorado, where I spent eight wonderful days in the Rocky Mountains with my daughter, Rachel, and some wonderful friends. After ten furious days filled with unpacking, laundry, repacking, doctor appointments, team meetings, teaching my women's Sunday School class, and celebrating my daughter's birthday, I boarded the plane once again...this time, heading for the mountains and mission field of Quito Ecuador, for eight days.
I feel like I should be writing a prayer update to my supporters--or at the least, updating my Facebook--letting people know how the mission trip went. Instead, I sit here, unable to do much more than cry out to my Father, God...searching for answers as to what it is that He is wanting to do in my heart.
The trip was amazing in many ways. I fell in love with so many of the children we worked with at Amor y Exparanza...
as well as the majestic mountains which surround the city...a reminder that God is still God over this city full of poverty, crime and devastation.
I was in charge of the music for VBS and I have never experienced children worship like I did in Quito. I wanted to weep every single day as I watched those children embrace each other, lifting their hands, bowing to their knees in prayer, as they sang "Tu Fidelidad" (You are Faithful).
We saw God work in so many ways, answering on our behalf, as soon as we turned to Him in prayer. (You can read more about the many answered prayers on our Quito 2010 blog.)
At the same time, my heart was struggling in ways I could not express...ways I had not anticipated. A theme God had given me several months prior to this mission trip was "expect the unexpected from unexpected people." I had shortened that to "expect the unexpected." I must say I saw many unexpected things happen during this trip...much of it coming from unexpected people. For example, I never expected those children to bless me like they did through their worship. Oh, I expected to be blessed by them...just not to the extent I was through the way they worshiped in song.
However, when God gave me that phrase, I thought it meant only good things. I never dreamed He was preparing me to face pain in areas where I least expected it and from people whom I least expected it....and I certainly never expected it to happen on a mission trip. You see, as I headed to Quito, I was--in reality--expecting the expected from expected people. I was expecting good from good people...whether it be those I came into contact with as I ministered at the school, did our work project, at the airport, or other places we went. I was not expecting heartache and pain...other than that of seeing the suffering in Ecuador. So, when it hit, I was not prepared; I was not expecting it...and certainly not from the sources from which it came.
I realize, however, that it is only a continuation of something God has been trying to teach me for the past several months...something I am desperately trying to learn...yet something I am still clueless as to what it is. I feel there is a battle raging within me...one where a part of me wants to withdraw from the world and never write or speak again. In fact, I never want to open my mouth and utter a single word. I'd rather retreat into my shell as the quiet, withdrawn person I used to be because I feel that is what others perfer. Yet, I know God wants to teach me through everything that has gone on--not only this past week, but the past several months. I know that He loves me too much to allow anything into my life that isn't ultimately for my good and His glory. Therefore, all of what has taken place is somehow a part of His plan and I will seek His face until He reveals it to me...however long it takes.
And so, I am pressing hard in to Him today...thankful that very few people ever read this blog...that it is a safe place where I can share my heart, along with what little I can right now about my trip. I need time to process things and then i will share more with others when I am able..
I feel like I should be writing a prayer update to my supporters--or at the least, updating my Facebook--letting people know how the mission trip went. Instead, I sit here, unable to do much more than cry out to my Father, God...searching for answers as to what it is that He is wanting to do in my heart.
The trip was amazing in many ways. I fell in love with so many of the children we worked with at Amor y Exparanza...
as well as the majestic mountains which surround the city...a reminder that God is still God over this city full of poverty, crime and devastation.
I was in charge of the music for VBS and I have never experienced children worship like I did in Quito. I wanted to weep every single day as I watched those children embrace each other, lifting their hands, bowing to their knees in prayer, as they sang "Tu Fidelidad" (You are Faithful).
At the same time, my heart was struggling in ways I could not express...ways I had not anticipated. A theme God had given me several months prior to this mission trip was "expect the unexpected from unexpected people." I had shortened that to "expect the unexpected." I must say I saw many unexpected things happen during this trip...much of it coming from unexpected people. For example, I never expected those children to bless me like they did through their worship. Oh, I expected to be blessed by them...just not to the extent I was through the way they worshiped in song.
However, when God gave me that phrase, I thought it meant only good things. I never dreamed He was preparing me to face pain in areas where I least expected it and from people whom I least expected it....and I certainly never expected it to happen on a mission trip. You see, as I headed to Quito, I was--in reality--expecting the expected from expected people. I was expecting good from good people...whether it be those I came into contact with as I ministered at the school, did our work project, at the airport, or other places we went. I was not expecting heartache and pain...other than that of seeing the suffering in Ecuador. So, when it hit, I was not prepared; I was not expecting it...and certainly not from the sources from which it came.
I realize, however, that it is only a continuation of something God has been trying to teach me for the past several months...something I am desperately trying to learn...yet something I am still clueless as to what it is. I feel there is a battle raging within me...one where a part of me wants to withdraw from the world and never write or speak again. In fact, I never want to open my mouth and utter a single word. I'd rather retreat into my shell as the quiet, withdrawn person I used to be because I feel that is what others perfer. Yet, I know God wants to teach me through everything that has gone on--not only this past week, but the past several months. I know that He loves me too much to allow anything into my life that isn't ultimately for my good and His glory. Therefore, all of what has taken place is somehow a part of His plan and I will seek His face until He reveals it to me...however long it takes.
And so, I am pressing hard in to Him today...thankful that very few people ever read this blog...that it is a safe place where I can share my heart, along with what little I can right now about my trip. I need time to process things and then i will share more with others when I am able..
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