This past month has been a whirlwind, to say the least. Four weeks ago today, I was getting on a plane for Colorado, where I spent eight wonderful days in the Rocky Mountains with my daughter, Rachel, and some wonderful friends. After ten furious days filled with unpacking, laundry, repacking, doctor appointments, team meetings, teaching my women's Sunday School class, and celebrating my daughter's birthday, I boarded the plane once again...this time, heading for the mountains and mission field of Quito Ecuador, for eight days.
I feel like I should be writing a prayer update to my supporters--or at the least, updating my Facebook--letting people know how the mission trip went. Instead, I sit here, unable to do much more than cry out to my Father, God...searching for answers as to what it is that He is wanting to do in my heart.
The trip was amazing in many ways. I fell in love with so many of the children we worked with at Amor y Exparanza...
as well as the majestic mountains which surround the city...a reminder that God is still God over this city full of poverty, crime and devastation.
I was in charge of the music for VBS and I have never experienced children worship like I did in Quito. I wanted to weep every single day as I watched those children embrace each other, lifting their hands, bowing to their knees in prayer, as they sang "Tu Fidelidad" (You are Faithful).
We saw God work in so many ways, answering on our behalf, as soon as we turned to Him in prayer. (You can read more about the many answered prayers on our Quito 2010 blog.)
At the same time, my heart was struggling in ways I could not express...ways I had not anticipated. A theme God had given me several months prior to this mission trip was "expect the unexpected from unexpected people." I had shortened that to "expect the unexpected." I must say I saw many unexpected things happen during this trip...much of it coming from unexpected people. For example, I never expected those children to bless me like they did through their worship. Oh, I expected to be blessed by them...just not to the extent I was through the way they worshiped in song.
However, when God gave me that phrase, I thought it meant only good things. I never dreamed He was preparing me to face pain in areas where I least expected it and from people whom I least expected it....and I certainly never expected it to happen on a mission trip. You see, as I headed to Quito, I was--in reality--expecting the expected from expected people. I was expecting good from good people...whether it be those I came into contact with as I ministered at the school, did our work project, at the airport, or other places we went. I was not expecting heartache and pain...other than that of seeing the suffering in Ecuador. So, when it hit, I was not prepared; I was not expecting it...and certainly not from the sources from which it came.
I realize, however, that it is only a continuation of something God has been trying to teach me for the past several months...something I am desperately trying to learn...yet something I am still clueless as to what it is. I feel there is a battle raging within me...one where a part of me wants to withdraw from the world and never write or speak again. In fact, I never want to open my mouth and utter a single word. I'd rather retreat into my shell as the quiet, withdrawn person I used to be because I feel that is what others perfer. Yet, I know God wants to teach me through everything that has gone on--not only this past week, but the past several months. I know that He loves me too much to allow anything into my life that isn't ultimately for my good and His glory. Therefore, all of what has taken place is somehow a part of His plan and I will seek His face until He reveals it to me...however long it takes.
And so, I am pressing hard in to Him today...thankful that very few people ever read this blog...that it is a safe place where I can share my heart, along with what little I can right now about my trip. I need time to process things and then i will share more with others when I am able..
I walked out of my local grocery store, shifting my three bags of groceries, to distribute the weight evenly. As I began my trek across the parking lot to the bus stop where I would catch the city bus, I suddenly felt the urge to walk to a different stop, further down the road. I had plenty of time; the weather was beautiful; and I would much rather walk than sit and wait.
Upon nearing the lot of a fast food restaurant, I noticed three rough-looking young men, with their pants hanging around their knees, standing around a car. Normally, I would have cut through that lot but felt uneasy about doing so, due to the presence of these hoodlums. I changed my course and took the sidewalk instead. I was still in quite close proximity, as I passed them. However, a hedge of bushes separated us, giving me a sense of security. I picked up my pace, trying to pass as quickly as possible, and was startled when one of them asked me if I had a dollar. “No,” I answered, without missing a beat to my stride.
No sooner had that word left my mouth than I heard the Holy Spirit speak to my heart, “You have a debit card. Go see what that young man needs.”
I am not one to argue with God but did need to make sure I was hearing from Him. So, in my polite inner voice, I asked if He was sure He wanted me to go back and admit to those three roughnecks—who looked like murderers or drug dealers—that I had a debit card in my possession and ask them what they needed. God reassured me saying, “Yes…trust me.”
I paused to glance back at the men and noticed the one who had spoken to me was crossing the street with a gas can. Perfect! I felt much better dealing with only one of them. I raced quickly across the street—praying the entire time—then marched right up to him, asking him if he needed gas. He nodded, hesitantly. I told him I didn’t have a dollar but did carry plastic and would be happy to buy him some gasoline. I inserted my card then had him fill his gas can. I shared how people have blessed me, in the past, and it was my turn to bless him.
I wished him a good day and we went our separate ways. I felt like skipping the entire two miles home…and probably would have, had I not been weighed down with three bags of groceries. Instead, I simply smiled, thanking God, once again, for MS. For you see, I am legally blind—and unable to drive—due to Multiple Sclerosis (MS). I would never have been walking to the bus stop, if not for MS. Buying gas for that young man is just one of many opportunities I have had to share the love of Jesus through acts of kindness or proclaiming my testimony, when riding the city bus or commuter train.
None of us are exempt from “disabilities”…weaknesses, hardships, trials, and other limitations that the world—and the enemy—use to handicap us, making us ineffective for Christ. God wants to transform those disabilities into HIS abilities that shine a light in a dark world, offer hope where all hope is lost, or even fill a gas can for one of God’s dearly beloved. I spent several years floundering in the gutter, captive to the lies that I was helpless and had nothing to offer. Then one day, the Lord so tenderly spoke to me through a passage written by Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (MSG)
“Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.”
Yes, I thank God for MS…for blindness…for the gift of a handicap.
I woke early this morning with the needs of so many on my mind...the friend who is taking her BIG test today...the friend who needs a place to stay for ten days while going through radiation therapy, the friend who is on day eleven of no smoking, the friend who is writing a book on shame, the friend who is raising a niece and nephew while her sister and brother in-law are in prison, the friend of a friend who gave birth to a still-born baby boy last week...and Nancy, the woman I would like to call friend who I met at the Asian market last Saturday.
I thought of Nancy and decided to check my email to see if I had heard back from her. What I found instead was an email from Michelle, of the Proverbs 31 editing team, informing me that I did not win the scholarship giveaway for the She Speaks Conference. I am okay with that. I was never sure if my submission into the contest was about winning and attending the conference or not. I just knew God was telling me to write the article and submit it...so, I obeyed.
However, I admit I expected something to come from it...some clue as to what direction I am to go next. Yet, the contest has come and gone, the winner has been announced, and I cannot see where I gained any direction from that experience...not yet, anyway. No doubt, God will show me what that exercise was all about...eventually. For, now, though, I feel like I am at the same spot I was a week ago--before I learned of the contest--asking the question "Now what?"...and all the other questions that go with it.
I've been praying about what God has in store for me next. I've been writing for HeartBeat for about two and a half years. My very first article has turned into a Bible study that has been edited. But now what? That has been my question to God. My editor thinks it is something women really need. The women who sat under the teaching of it have told me the same thing.
But now what? What is my next step, Lord? What do I do with this study you told me to write? How do I get it to the people? Do I self-publish or pitch it to a publisher? I don't even know how to do either of those? My editor said I need to build a platform? How do I do that? Do I travel around teaching it? Do I mail out copies to people? Where does the money come from for all these things? The questions flood my mind...all coming back to What now, Lord?
It's been two months since I finished teaching the study in my home church and I've been praying...trying not to become restless. Oh how hard it is to sit and wait to hear his voice. But, every step of the way, God has led me and shown me not to rush ahead of Him. And so I wait.
Today, as I was catching up on some emails I receive (of blogs I follow), I ran across one that mentioned a scholarship for the She Speaks Conference. Something inside of me stirred when I heard about it. I've wanted to go to a writers/speakers conference before but it never seemed to be the right timing. Could this be it, Lord? Could this be my next step? I could never afford to go but maybe winning the scholarship would help.
I don't know the answer to that or the many other questions...yet. One thing I do know is I felt God leading me to enter the contest. No guarantees of winning...no guarantees of attending...simple obedience of writing an article and entering. And so, I will obey...and write.
If you are reading this and are interested in knowing more about the She Speaks Conference or the scholarship giveaway, click here. Deadline for scholarship submissions is tonight at midnight.
About three weeks ago, I developed an ear infection that brought my life to a screeching halt.Not only was I in excruciating pain, I was also experiencing a great deal of vertigo, balance issues and severe hearing loss.After two weeks and two different antibiotics, I returned to my physician thinking I had not responded to either of the antibiotics because I felt no better.The doctor looked in my ear and informed me that the infection was gone but I had a lot of fluid built up in the middle ear.My sinuses were blocked, not allowing the fluid to drain properly. Fluid was causing all the current pain, hearing loss, and vertigo…not infection.
I see such a parallel in this illustration and the way many of us—myself included—often responds to God’s healing in our lives.We pray for healing in certain areas and He is faithful to heal.Yet, we do not recognize the healing when it comes.We continue to live as broken, wounded victims, unable to experience the healing we have received because of fear, doubt, unforgiveness, and more.
In John Chapter 5, Jesus meets a man, at the pool called Bethesda, who has been sick for 38 years. This man has been lying on a mat by the pool, hoping to be the first one in the pool when the angel stirs the waters, so that he might be made well. However, he is so weak and feeble; somebody always beats him into the water.Jesus, knowing how long he has been sick, asks him if he wants to be made well.I find his response quite interesting. He never answers Jesus question. Instead, he gives the reason for why he cannot receive the healing offered in the pool.In verse 8, Jesus says to the man, “Rise, take up your bed and walk.”Verse 9 goes on to tell us, “And immediately the man was made well, took up his bed, and walked….”
Let’s break this story down just a little and see how it applies to our own lives. The first point I want to make is that Jesus not only knew the man was sick, He even knew how long he had been sick.He knows all about our wounds:what or who caused them, how deep they are, and how long they have been there.Just like with this man, nothing is too severe for God to heal. It does not matter if it is a one-week old, a 38-year old, or even a 98-year old wound.God sent Jesus to heal us (Psalm 107:20, Luke 4:18) and He did not put limitations on that healing.
Another thing I find in this story comes from verses 6 and 7 when Jesus asks the man if he wants to be made well and the man’s response is not a “Yes” or “No” but rather excuses for why he is not yet healed.During Jesus’ time on earth, we often heard Him say, “Your faith has made you well.” He didn’t say that to this man; this man did not have faith. However, God healed him despite his lack of faith.God does not base His healing on our faith. He heals because He desires to see His children whole.Sometimes, He wants to test our faith in the situation. Other times, He simply wants to lavish His love on us, His children.In this case, this man had all but lost hope and faith in ever getting well.God chose to show His power and in doing so caused the man to have faith in Him, as we will see next.
This man had suffered from his ailment for 38 years. He was so weak that he could not even get himself into the pool before others. Yet, when Jesus told him to rise, verse 9 tells us he was immediately made well.The Greek word for “rise” is “egeirō”.According to Thayer’s Lexicon, “egeirō” means to cause one down with disease—lying sick—to recover.When Jesus told this man to arise, He was pronouncing healing on him.This healing was instantaneous, leaving no room for doubt and this man suddenly had hope again…and faith.
How do I know he now had faith? Jesus did more than tell this man to arise. He also told him to take up his bed and walk.Verse 9 says the man was immediately made well, then goes on to say he took up his bed and walked.It would take a great deal of faith to pick up his mat and walk, after all those years of lying around too sick to even crawl a few feet to get into the pool.
That brings us to my main point…this man took up his bed and walked. After Jesus healed him, he could have stayed there on his pallet where he had grown comfortable in life. After all, he had no responsibilities, no demands, and no stressors.Oh my, he would have to take care of himself if others heard of his healing.People would not feel sorry for him anymore. Where would he live? What kind of trade would he be able to learn at his age?What if he tried to stand up and fell on his face? Everybody would laugh.What if he got sick again and lost his prime spot by the pool?It really would be safer to stay right where he was. He didn’t need to pick up his bed and take off on a hike to who knows where.He could just enjoy his healing from there.In fact, he could be a witness for Jesus, telling other sick people about how He healed him…from right there beside the pool.
That sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it?Yet how many of us do the exact same thing?God heals us of the wounds from our past but we are afraid to take up our beds and walk.We ask God to heal us from bitterness and unforgiveness…and He does.However, we continue with our vow never to trust anybody…too afraid of being hurt again.We have become comfortable living as a victim—enjoying the sympathy of others—and allow fear, insecurity, doubt, and more to keep us living as if we are still that victim, long after God has healed us of abuse.God heals us of addictions or unhealthy lifestyles. Yet the fear of failing keeps us from taking responsibility in our lives. Therefore, we become stagnant…never moving forward.
The Greek word for “walked” is “peripateō”.Thayer’s Lexicon defines “peripateō”, “to make one's way, progress; to make due use of opportunities.” I just love that!When the man in John Chapter 5 took up his bed and walked, he was making his way, making progress, making use of opportunities…new opportunities presented to him because of the healing he had received.When God heals us, He presents us with new opportunities…opportunities to make progress…opportunities to walk in His healing.It is up to us whether we are going to stay by the pool or take up our bed and walk.
Jesus said in John 10:10 (MSG) “A thief is only there to steal and kill and destroy.I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of.” Do not let the enemy steal the full, abundant life that Christ came to bring you by trapping “fluid in your ears”, long after your Father has healed the infection.Take up your bed and walk.
In my previous entry, I talked about how I came to see and believe that I was a “Daddy’s Girl.”That realization was the beginning of a journey in understanding my Heavenly Father’s love for me.One day, a year or so ago, I was studying Ephesians and ran across the following passage.
“I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”Ephesians 3:17b-19 (NIV)
I had heard that passage many times in my life but honestly never thought it possible for me to know that kind of love.In fact, I found it puzzling that anybody could grasp or know something that surpasses knowledge.How can you comprehend what is beyond comprehension?As I meditated on it, however, I found myself longing to know that kind of love…longing to be filled to the fullness of God.So, I said a very simple prayer that day, asking God to help me to know—really-know—Christ’s love in all dimensions.For I knew that the level to which I understood Christ’s love would also be the degree to which I would know my Father’s love for me.(John 14)
I have discovered that when I ask God for something that is laid out in His Word, He always gives me what I ask for.This request was no exception.God began to open the eyes and ears of my heart to see and hear things from His Word in a brand new way.I began to grasp the greatness of Christ’s love demonstrated in His laying down His own life for mine. (John15:13; 1 John 3:16).
As I thought of Christ hanging on the cross, His outstretched arms represented the width of His love…arms spread to reach out as an invitation for every person from every corner of the earth to receive His love gift of eternal life. (John 3:16; Romans 1:16; Romans 3:29).
I began to understand the length of His love by realizing that His love is forever and ever.His time here on earth had a beginning and an end but His love never ends.His death may have been a one-time event, but the benefits of His death (salvation from sin and abundant life) are for eternity.His death wasn’t simply for those living in the days that He walked the earth…it was for everybody who will ever live and will receive His love gift. (2 Corinthians 5:14-15; Hebrews 2:9)
I meditated on the depth of His love in that He willingly left His Father in heaven and came to earth to suffer for sinful man.During His 33 years on earth, He suffered ridicule, rejection, humiliation, abuse…He suffered every form of suffering possible so that He could identify with us—and we with Him—in our sufferings.(Hebrews 2:10,18; 5:8; 13:12)More than that, this man, who was God—perfect and without sin—took upon Himself my sin (and the sin of every person ever to live), and then He descended to the depths of the earth. (Ephesians 4:8-10; Matthew 12:40)
The exciting thing is that Christ’s love doesn’t stop with His death on the cross; it doesn’t end with Him going to the deepest of deeps for me.Christ rose from the depths of hell and the grave and then He ascended to the highest of highs to prepare a place in heaven for me. (John 14:23)The height of Christ’s love is demonstrated in the fact that all of us have the opportunity to join Him in heaven one day.
I spent months reflecting on Christ’s love for me and discovered that it truly is impossible to separate Christ’s love from the love of our Father.After all, Jesus tells us in John 10:30 that He and His Father are one.Furthermore, it was because of God’s love for us that Christ came to earth, suffered, died and rose again.“For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son…” (John 3:16). “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8).“But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions…” (Ephesians 2:4-5). “This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.” (1 John 4:9). “But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life.” (Titus 3:4-7)
As I thought about the far-reaching, never-ending, deep love of God demonstrated in sending His son for me, one thing began to really pierce my heart. When Christ took the sins of the world upon Himself—becoming sin itself—He was, at that moment in time, separated from His Father. (2 Corinthians 5:21; Matthew 27:46)God—because He is God and cannot look upon sin—had to turn His back on His own Son, whom He deeply loved. (Habakkuk 1:13) I love my children immensely and cannot fathom turning my back on any of them for any reason, especially not for other wretched, sinful people. That God would do that very thing is, to me, the greatest demonstration of love.Even as I write this, I am filled with such emotion, knowing that God loves me that much.
You may be thinking “okay, this is great but what does it have to do with freedom from fear?”Well, we’re getting there.
As I began to grasp just how much God loves me—enough that he would send His son AND turn His back on Him while He took my sins upon Himself—I began to realize that I had no reason to fear anything.A God whose love for me is that long, wide, high and deep is not going to allow anything to happen to me that is not for my good.His plans for me are for good and not harm…they are plans for hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11).
If I find myself in the midst of the fire or flood, I have no reason to fear (Isaiah 43:1-2) because I know that God is always with me; (Isaiah 41:10; 43:2);He will indeed work everything out for my good (Romans 8:28); and I can overcome anything through His love (Romans 8:37).I know, without a doubt, that nothing—not even life, death, angels, demons, my current circumstances, or things to come in the future—absolutely nothing will ever separate me from the love of God. (Romans 8:38-39).Even when God chastises me, I do not fear because I know that God’s discipline comes from a heart of a Father who dearly loves me, His child. (Proverbs 3:11-12; Hebrews 12:5-11; Revelation 3:19; Deuteronomy 8:5.
I had lived in fear for most of my life.However, as I began to grasp the full dimensions of God’s love for me, all of my fear disappeared.His perfect love truly cast out all the fear that was inside me (1 John 4:18).It is hard to put into words the freedom I have now…a freedom that goes far beyond anything I could ask for or imagine (Ephesians 3:20-21)
When fear tries to work its way back into my heart, I immediately remind myself of just how much God loves me and the fear dissipates and is replaced with total peace.The following are just a few Scriptures (along with those I’ve referenced throughout this blog) that I use to remind me of God’s unfathomable, perfect, matchless love.I like to say (out loud, when possible) and meditate on these verses—personalizing them—as a constant reminder of God’s love for me…especially during those times when fear tries to creep into my heart.
"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne?Though she may forget, He will not forget me! See, He has engraved me on the palms of His hands; my walls are ever before Him.
How great is the love the Father has lavished on me, that I should be called a child of God! And that is what I am! The reason the world does not know me is that it did not know him.
Mostly what God does is love me. When I keep company with Him, I learn a life of love. I observe how Christ loved me. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from me but to give everything of himself to me. I desire to love like that.
I know, therefore, that you, Oh Lord my God are God; you are faithful, God, to keep your covenant and steadfast love with me; I love you and keep your commandments, to a thousand generations,
"What marvelous love the Father has extended to us! Just look at it—we're called children of God! That's who we really are!" 1 John 3:1 (MSG)
Most little girls long to be a “Daddy’s girl.” I know I did. I can't tell you how deep that longing was or how desperately hard I tried to be just that. I would have done anything to gain my dad's love and acceptance. I would have literally jumped off the roof or gone and played in the traffic if I had thought it would help. However, nothing I did was ever good enough.
I felt like God had failed me. He gave me the need to be loved by a daddy, yet He didn’t give me a daddy who filled that need. So, I determined I would fill that need my own way. I watched other girls’ daddies love and dote on them and I imagined they were my daddy. I found fatherly qualities in teachers or youth leaders and turned to them as if they were my father. I had an extremely close relationship with my grandfather and found tenderness and compassion from him. However, the longing was still there and so the search continued. I tried to fill that longing with any man I met who showed any kind of love and acceptance of me for who I was…pastors and other father figures within the church…even bosses.
These different father figures did provide me with a sense of love and acceptance. However, the longing to be loved by my real daddy was still there. See all of these other men seemed to fade in and out, never becoming a permanent part of my life. Plus, they offered only bits and pieces for what I truly longed. None of them could love me enough to fill the deep well within my heart.
In April 2006, I attended a women’s retreat at our church. The first night of the retreat, the guest speaker, Debbie Dittrich, spoke about being a Daddy’s girl. She told us that God put the longing to be a Daddy's girl in all of us for a reason. He put it there so that we would yearn for Him. It is a longing that goes so deep that only God can fill it -- He did that on purpose so that we would want and need Him. Even if I had the most wonderful Daddy in the world, he could never fill up that deep, deep well because God designed it so that only He could fill it. All I had to do to be a Daddy’s girl was to accept Jesus Christ as my Savior.
I had accepted Christ many years ago, as a child. That meant……. I sat there that evening, fighting back tears, realizing for the first time in my life that I had a Daddy who loved me more than anybody else ever could. He desired for me to be a girl—His girl—when I was born. He desired me to be exactly who I am and He loves everything about me. He will never use me, abuse me or abandon me. He will love me with a love so deep—the only love deep enough to fill that longing inside of me.
I admit, it was hard for me to grasp at first. It was hard for me to comprehend much less accept that anybody—God included—could and would love me that much. See, I had developed the assumption that if nothing I did was good enough to gain my earthly father’s love and acceptance, then certainly it wasn’t enough to gain my heavenly Father’s love either. After all, He was perfect and surely expected nothing sort of perfection from me. That night, however, I chose to believe---regardless of how I felt—that I was truly a Daddy's girl.
If you are reading this and have never experienced the love of our Father God, then I encourage you to simply open up your heart and receive the love that He longs to pour out on you. Crawl up into His lap and let His love fill that deep, deep void that only He can fill. Maybe you have never trusted Christ as your Lord and Savior, and therefore, you cannot experience this type of Father-child relationship. If so, I invite you to receive His love, through His Son Jesus Christ, today.
John 3:16 says that God loved you so much that He sent His Son, Jesus, to die for you so that you could live forever with Him.In 1 John 3:1 we read that God’s love for us is so great that He calls us His children.He wants to be your Daddy.He gave up His own Son so that He could be.Won’t you let Him come and fill your heart with His love?
To read more divine love stories, visit (In)Courage.
