Desperate for an Answer......BUT GOD!!

Today's blog is different than I usually write.  Today, I need to just share my heart...to nobody in particular...just ramble.  Tomorrow is a big day...a day that could change the course of my life...and not necessarily for the good...physically speaking...humanly speaking.......BUT GOD!

I will try and explain things as I go along in case anybody stops by who doesn't know me.  I have Multiple Sclerosis...have had it for at least nine years...probably more like 20 years.  After almost seven years of one debilitating relapse after another, and losing a good part of my vision, God opened the door for me to get into the MS Center in Dallas where I was finally diagnosed and put on Tysabri.  I've not had any major exacerbations since.  I have days the MS affects me but not to the extent it was and I've not had any more attacks of Optic Neuritis which is what has caused my vision loss.

Tysabri carries with it a risk of getting a rare brain infection  called progressive multifocal leukoencephalopathy (PML), which is always fatal.   New research shows this risk increases in patients who have been on the drug for more than two years.  Because of this new research, we are required to meet with our doctors after our 24th infusion to discuss future treatment plans.

I had my 24th infusion last month and tomorrow is decision day for me.  Up to this point, I have felt the benefits of Tysabri have been greater than the risk. The risk is now at a level which I am not near as comfortable taking.  However, the reason I was put on this particular MS therapy is because it is the only one known to target the area of the brain that affects the optic nerves.  

The optic neuritis aspect of the MS had begun to enter the progressive stage and we were able to stop that through this therapy.  To switch to another form of therapy would mean treating the MS as a whole, hoping--and certainly praying--it will keep the optic nerves under control......BUT GOD!!

In addition, I would have to go off the Tysabri for several months before I can start on any other form of therapy...hoping, praying and a great deal of trusting God that my body stays in remission without the aid of any drugs......BUT GOD!!

This Texas heat gets harder and harder on me every year. So, right now, the thought of going three to six months without any form of therapy feels like a death sentence in itself.  Yet, I know that relapses with MS are not fatal and even losing my vision altogether would be better than death.  Still, only God knows which is the greater risk.  I cannot base my decision on fear...fear of death or fear of total blindness......BUT GOD!!

I know God knows the answer. He tells me to lean not on my own understanding; that He will direct my paths. He tells me that He gives wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding. He tells me to seek Him and He will be found.  He tells me to cast my cares upon Him...to be anxious for nothing. 

I am seeking Him and trusting Him for the right answer...I just would like Him to show me before I go tomorrow.  See, I have an MRI before my appointment.  Because I'm allergic to the MRI contrast, I have to be pre-medicated with Benadryl...which knocks me out.  So, when I see my doctor a couple of hours later, I'm not going to be the most coherent person in the world.  I'm sure my doctor will discuss the risks and options--which we've already gone over--and I don't want to make a decision based on something she says that may sound a little different due to my drugged state of thinking.  I want to make a decision when I'm of a sound mind.......BUT GOD.

Yes, that is when I have to step back and say, "BUT GOD".  I have to remember that if God can speak through a donkey, he can speak the words that need to be spoken through my Benadryl laced mind.  I have to remember the days when the MS had so messed up my cognition that I couldn't put two words together, yet I delivered His truths to a group of women, changing lives so dramatically that they talk about it still today.  Yes...BUT GOD!!!  

He is still God and He will give me direction about what to do regarding my treatment. It will be the right decision; the right words will come to me when I need to know them; and He will make sure they come out of my mouth when it is time to tell my doctor.  Ahhh...peace......ONLY GOD!!!

A Birthday Prayer

Father,

It is August 13, 2010...the 19th anniversary of the day my precious Sarah--Your princess--surprised me by entering this world five weeks early. 

I still remember, ever so vividly, those long hours of the doctors and nurses frantically trying to stop my labor...while it increased instead.  You, oh God, knew what was going on during those critical hours and minutes of decision making by such a Godly doctor.  For You are the one who created her inmost being, knitting her together even during those last seconds, inside my womb.  You numbered her days and and wrote them in Your book before even one of them came to be. You knew her days were to begin on August 13th...not September 15th.  Only You knew that I had contracted an infection that could have killed that precious baby girl...or in the least left her with brain damage.

I thank You that she was fearfully and wonderfully made to be exactly as she is; her frame was never hidden from You when You made her in the secret place. When every intricate detail of Sarah was woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw each and every part of her unformed body.

Thank You for the peace I have, knowing that You know when Sarah sits and when she rises; You know her going out and her lying down.  You are familiar with all her ways. You know all her thoughts without her even speaking them aloud; before she even speaks a word, You, Oh God know exactly what she is about to say.

Father, thank you for hemming Sarah in. You are both behind and before her at all times.  You have laid Your almighty hand upon her.  How reassuring, as a mother, to know there is nowhere she can go that will separate her from Your Spirit or Your presence. You always know where she is and what she is doing.  If she goes up to the heavens, You are there; even if she makes her bed in the depths, You will be there as well.  If she rises on the wings of the dawn, or settles on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide her; Your right hand will hold Sarah fast.

I know that when Sarah feels like the darkness is hiding her and the light becomes like night around her, even the darkness will not be dark to You.  So, I pray the night will shine like the day for her, just as darkness is as light to You. (Psalm 139)

I pray that Sarah will continue to be taught by You, Father, (and only You) and in doing so, her peace will be great. (Isaiah 54:13)

I know she has received Your Son, Christ Jesus, as her Lord and Savior, as a young child.  I pray she will always continue to live in Him; that she will be deeply rooted and built up in Him, strengthened in the faith she has been taught, and constantly overflowing with thankfulness.  

I pray no one leads her astray through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world, rather than on Christ.  Oh Father, this is such a deep prayer because these teachings are running rampant in the universities...and even in the churches. 

I pray that Sarah will always set her heart on things above where Christ is seated at Your right hand.  I pray she will have nothing to do with sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires, greed and idolatry.  I also pray she will get rid of all anger, rage, malice, slander, filthy language and lying.  I pray her conversations will always be full of grace, seasoned with salt...irregardless of whom she is speaking.

I pray that Sarah's spirit will continuously be renewed in knowledge in the image of you, the Creator. 

I pray that she will be full of compassion, kindness, gentleness and patience; that she will bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances she may have against others.  Teach her to forgive as You forgave her.  Most importantly, I pray that she will be filled with love, which binds all together in perfect unity; that she will let the peace of Christ rule in her hearts, and be thankful.  

Father, thank you for the precious demonstration of love I heard coming from Sarah this past week, as she ministered to a hurting child of yours.  And thank you for the way she has reached out to her friend, Virginia...and many others who have been hurting.  I love her precious heart.  Please help her to learn how to demonstrate that same love, compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience and forgiveness where it is often most difficult...at home...towards her sister.  

Oh how I pray that the Word of Christ will dwell in Sarah richly; and whatever she does, whether in word or deed, she would do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, always giving thanks to You, the Father through Him.  I pray that she would be consistently devoted in prayer. (Colossians 1-4)

I thank You, Father God, that you chose me to be Sarah's Mother.  Help me to walk in a manner worthy of that calling. (Ephesians 4:1)

Thank You for doing all that I have asked, according to Your will and in Your precious Son's name, 

Amen!

Love in our Home

The past two weeks I've been given the opportunity to love as Jesus would, to a young gal who, as many--Christians included--would say "messed up big time"...a precious girl who has never known unconditional love...a hurting child of God who needed somebody to say "let him who is without sin cast the first stone but that certainly isn't me so neither do I condemn you, now let me help you go and sin no more".

Oh what a rich experience it has been, loving on her out of the love that Christ has lavished on me. I am able to love only because He loved me first (1 John 4:19)

What has made it even more beautiful is to hear her tell me how my own children have also poured their unconditional love out on her...without my knowledge. Two of my girls don't even live at home anymore, yet, knowing of her situation have reached out in such priceless expressions of love...a text from my 22-year old daughter; an e-mail from my 19-year old; lots of hugs from my 17-year old and promises to help her out anytime she needs it.

Christ's love has been pouring out in abundance both within and beyond the physical walls of our home.

My Source of Strength

Father,

This devotion speaks so deeply to my heart…in many ways.  So many things are crying out for my attention…bills, paperwork, Rachel’s needs, other people’s needs, thank you notes, and so much more.  I feel so overwhelmed, if not for you, Father.  I don’t know where to start.  The heat has gotten to me and my energy is just totally shot…not an ounce of it there to even begin any of these things.  And my mind is mush to the point that I can’t focus or even put a sentence together to pray for those on my heart.  The burdens are so great…yet nothing comes out when I try to pray because my mind is so fatigued. I’m so glad your Holy Spirit is there to intercede on my behalf…and on behalf of those for whom I long to intercede.

All day today, I have thought of Philippians 4:13. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”  I know I can do what you have called me to do—both ministry and personal responsibility—through the strength you give me…the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual strength.  I am reminded of 2 Corinthians 2:9 which tells me that your power is made perfect in my weakness.  And Isaiah 40:31 tells me, as I wait and lean upon you, you will renew my strength so that I will walk and not grow weary; I will run without fainting; I will even soar with eagle’s wings.

Thank you, Father, that I do find sweet rest and victory in your strength. Thank you for enabling me to do above and beyond anything I could ever do in my own strength.  Thank you for your promise in Philippians 1:6 that you will finish the work you started in me.  I'm so glad you are my Father...and in control.  Yes, you are faithful and you will do it. (1 Thessalonians 5:24)

I love you!

Debbie

Teach me to Love as You Do

I was thinking today how sometimes it hurts so much when your love for somebody is rejected.  It makes me so sad to see people push my love away, not knowing how much I care about them...not understanding how deeply I care...rather somehow misinterpreting something I've said or done as anything but love.

Then, I thought how that must be for God sometimes...to love so deeply and yet be rejected when I don't understand His love and feel like He's hurting me, instead of loving me...thinking He's being cruel and unjust when He is really doing what He knows is best for me...when in reality, He is loving me with a love deeper than anything I have ever imagined.

I'm sure glad I'm not God. I'm pretty sure I'd have withdrawn and quit loving a long time ago. Teach me to love as you do, Father...even when rejected, even when misunderstood, even when it hurts. 

Quito Trip Update

Dear Praying Friends,

I arrived home late Saturday evening, July 17th, and immediately hit the ground running. My youngest daughter, Rachel, left on her own mission trip the following Saturday (and is currently serving in Mexico). I also had to prepare to teach our women’s Sunday School class this past Sunday. I feel like I am just now having a chance to catch my breath and process all that God did during my week in Quito.

It is hard to briefly summarize the trip, as any of you who have ever been on a mission trip can attest to, I’m sure. I will do my best, however. One thing that was an over-riding factor throughout the trip was seeing how God showed up and answered our prayers every time we called upon Him…and how quickly our team did call upon Him for our every need.

Johanna, our team member from Columbia flew through customs without even being asked to show her documentation…all while we were praying. (For more on that story, read the first day’s entry on our team blog—quitoteam2010.blogspot.com.) We arrived at the school to do VBS, on the first day, and were told we couldn’t do it. We prayed and within five minutes were setting up for VBS…also described in more detail on the blog. One of our team members got very sick and we thought might have to go to the hospital. We prayed and the next morning was up before any of us and ready to go work in the garden. Another team member couldn’t find her passport, the night before we were to return back to Texas. We prayed and within a few minutes the passport was found. These are just a few of the many times we turned to Him and saw Him answer, as only He can do.

I was so excited when we attended the Dios el Fiel church on Sunday because in preparing the music for VBS, I had learned enough Spanish to understand a lot of what the pastor was saying. He spoke about the fact that no problem is too big for God. He is grande (great), fuerte (strong), poderoso (powerful) and magnifico (magnificent). He is Lord of all and there is nothing He cannot do. We need to keep our focus on Him. This seemed to be a theme for me throughout the week.

God specifically touched my heart through the children and women to whom we ministered, as well as through the beauty of His creation in Ecuador. We ministered to children at a school—Amor y Esparanza—as well as children along the streets of Quito.

Many people make a living selling goods along the streets. While doing so, their children sit (or play) right along the curbs and medians or these busy streets. We even saw children as young as five or six selling goods too. It is a heartbreaking sight to see. One of our missions was to distribute sack lunches—consisting of a sandwich, milk, and tract—to these children and to tell them “Jesus te ama” (Jesus loves you). It was very likely that was the only meal they got that day.

 

Amor y Esparanza is in the most poverty stricken area of Quito. It is a private, Christian school for children whose parents could not otherwise afford a good education for their children. Some come from Christian families, but most are there simply to get a good education. These children were a true example of loving unconditionally. They sure knew how to love and also how to receive love. They are so needy and craving for love. They soaked in every ounce of love we had to offer them…both ours and the love of Jesus.

Wow! Did they know how to worship! I was not prepared for children who sang and worshipped like they did. I was in charge of the music and expected to teach them. Instead, they taught me. These precious children—girls and boys of all ages—would wrap their arms around each other, raise their hands, or bow their heads in prayer, without any cue or instruction from us, as they sang their hearts out to the Lord in praise and worship. It was one of the most touching moments, as I fought back the tears every single day.

On the day we presented the message of salvation, this little girl, Genesis, shared with her group leader that she had heard about Jesus dying on the cross ever since she was a little girl. However, she finally understood what it meant for her…for the first time. Genesis is now a child of God. Her mother was weeping as she was thanking me on the last day…great, uncontrollable, tears of joy.






I had the opportunity to work with the moms one day. Johanna, who speaks fluent Spanish (being from Columbia), shared her testimony and then we helped them make tote bags. Though, I could communicate very little with words, the women really connected through smiles, touch and love…just as their children had. Again, I feel I was blessed far more than I blessed them when they were leaving and began thanking me…not only for helping them but for working with their children.

This woman was a mom and also on staff at the school. God prompted my heart to really reach out to her everyday, letting her know how much we appreciated being able to serve at the school. She was always smiling, yet was heavy on my heart everyday. She wept on the last day as I thanked her (through a translator) for allowing us to come and then thanked me for all we had done. I found out later that day—back at the dorms—that on our first day, she had received a phone call and had asked one of our team members to pray for restoration of her family. Please continue to pray for her. I don’t know her name…God does.

I mentioned near the beginning of this letter that God touched my heart through His creation. Many of you know how much I love the mountains of Colorado and am always ready to return there as soon as I get back to Texas. I fell in love with the Andes Mountains of Ecuador, much the same. And yes, I am ready to go back!

One of our final days in Quito, I went to the roof of the dorms for my quiet time. As I watched the sun rising, with the majestic mountains towering over the city, God really spoke to me and I wrote the following prayer.

                                           Father, 

How refreshing it is to start my morning outdoors, relishing in the beauty you have created. Even in the midst of this city, filled with barking dogs, honking horns, all too close airplanes landing and departing, and the never-ending sirens, your majestic mountains rise amidst the low clouds and beaming sun. What a great reminder that you ARE grande, fuerte, poderoso and magnifico! You are greater than the poverty, more powerful than the corruption; stronger than the crime. You are magnificent and Lord of ALL! You are the creator of the universe-of these mountains and of every man, woman and child living here…and you love them dearly.

Whether I am in Quito, Ecuador or Fort Worth, TX, God is still God. He is still grande, fuerte, poderoso, and magnifico. He is still fiel (faithful). And He is still God in each of your lives as well. I pray you will join me in expecting the unexpected in your own life, as you pursue the mission God has for you…wherever you are.

Thank you for all your prayers and your support. I could not have gone on this incredible journey without each of you. You were a vital part.


Debbie Guinn

PS Yes, that was me, hanging upside down from a zip line, over the cloud forest…and yes, it was intentional.

Oh How Natural It Is

This is an article I wrote in January 2009 that is the basis for the class I taught this morning.  It is Part 3 of a three part series, entitled Understanding the Father's Love.  Click on the links, within the article, to read Parts 1 and 2.  

Our Response

Oh How Natural It Is

^©By Debbie Guinn 
"We love because He first loved us.”

1 John 4:19

Last January—January 6, 2008, to be exact—our pastor preached a sermon that has continued to make an impact on my life, even today.  This sermon, titled “Resolutions to Remember” was not your ordinary new year’s resolution pep talk.  It was taken from Matthew 22:34-40 and he challenged us with two resolutions that we not only should make but also showed us how those were resolutions that we could keep all year long…and longer. 

In Matthew 22:37, Jesus tells the Pharisees that the greatest commandment in the law is “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.”  Our number one resolution should be to love God with all of who we are…with every single fiber of our being.  Our pastor explained how we often try to put God as our top priority, placing family, friends, careers, etc. in a priority list under Him.  However, that doesn’t work because we often end up separating God out from those other things.  He explained that loving God should be our defining priority—like the center of a wheel—with all of the other things in our lives stemming out from Him (like spokes).  When loving Him is our defining priority, it will influence every other relationship and commitment we have in our life.

Jesus goes on in Matthew 22:39 to say that the second greatest commandment is to “Love your neighbor as yourself.”  Many people have used this verse to say that Jesus is telling us we need to love ourselves before we can love others.  However, that isn’t what Jesus is saying.  He was talking to the Pharisees who had no problem loving themselves; they thought quite highly of themselves already.  Jesus is saying that we are to love others in the exact same way that we love ourselves…to elevate others to the same level we value ourselves. 

Notice that verse 40 says “All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."  Think about that for a minute.  If I steal, bear false witness (lie), commit adultery, dishonor my parents, covet, etc., my attitude is in a place that says I am of more value than you.  Do you see how all these commandments are summed up under this one?  The Pharisees had created hundreds of laws but all of the God given laws go back to these two commandments right here.

I am constantly amazed at God’s perfect timing.  I have longed to finish the series I started back in June on Understanding the Father’s Love.  Month after month, I have sat down and tried to write this third segment but God has redirected me to another topic.  Today, however, I see how perfect His timing is as I remember just how much He taught me in this very area one year ago today when He convicted and challenged me in my own heart to respond to His love for me by loving in return.

Understanding my Father’s love has been a step by step process for me…one where each step has built on the other. Since it has been so long since I’ve written on this subject, I do want to do just a brief review of what I’ve talked about already.  The first step for me was to fully understand that father/child relationship with my Father…to see myself as a Daddy’s girl.  To read more about this, check out the June article, Daddy’s Girl.  Once, I clearly established that relationship, I began to understand more of the width and length, height and depth of Christ’s love. As I did, I found that I was able to trust God more and more with my life…finding that His love for me was perfect and perfect love does indeed cast out all fear.  My July article, Freedom from Fear, talked about the incredible freedom from fear that I have found as I have learned to trust His perfect love for me.

That brings us to this article.  As I began experiencing freedom from fear, that freedom went far beyond the basic fears of something terrible happening to one of my children, financial ruin, etc.  I also found myself free from other fears such as the fear to love.  I opened my heart to God’s love, trusting in His perfect love, and discovered I was no longer afraid to love…to love not only God but others as well.  So, how could understanding my Father’s love for me enable me to love others without fear?

I didn’t exactly jump from understanding God’s love for me to being able to love others.  It began with loving Him, first and foremost.  Loving God actually came somewhat easily once I understood just how much He loved me.  It really isn’t hard to love those we know truly love us; it just seems to come naturally once that trust is developed.  When we know we are loved by a parent, spouse, or friend, our natural response is to love them in return.  It is the same with God.  The more I comprehended just how deeply God loved me, the more in love with Him I became.

Last January 6^th, I made a commitment to God to make loving Him my defining priority. That sermon made so much sense to me.  I had tried for years to make Him my top priority and always failed because I never knew how to find time for all the other important things in life without setting Him aside.  When I heard that simple concept of making Him the defining priority, rather than the top priority, it all made sense.  My constant prayer this year has been that loving Him would be at the center, influencing every single thing that I do.

As I began to really focus on loving God, I noticed a connection between loving Him and being loved by Him.  I so wanted to love Him with every ounce of my being, not because I was commanded to but because the more I understood how much He loved me, the more I wanted to love Him in return.  It was just this natural sense of wanting—a yearning with all that was within me—to love Him in return.  I didn’t need a command to make me love Him…I longed to love Him.  1 John 4:19—“ We love because he loved us first.”—took on new meaning for me.

I am able to love, not only God but others as well, because He loved me first.  It is His love for me that enables me to love.  1 John 4:7-8 begins with a command to love one another.  However, it explains that love comes from God. I must first know God and be born of Him in order to love; I cannot love, if I do not know God because God IS love. As I learn to accept, receive and trust His love then I am free to love in return…and oh how wonderful that freedom is!

It doesn’t end there, though. 1 John 4:11-12 says “Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.”.  The word we get “complete” from in the Greek means "to bring to an end by completing or perfecting; to add what is yet wanting in order to render a thing full.”  It is in loving others that God’s love comes full circle so to speak.  All emptiness and longing to be loved is made full—is perfected and made complete—when I love others out of His love for me.

I am able to love because He loved me first. The more I understand God’s unfathomable love for me, the more I find it impossible to keep that love to myself. I am free to love and long to love God with all of my heart, soul and mind and to love others as myself. As I do so, the deep longing that I’ve always had to be loved is being filled to overflowing with the most perfect love imaginable…the love of my Father.

I challenge you to make loving the Lord your God with all or who you are your defining priority this year…your Number One Resolution. My second challenge is that loving your neighbor as yourself—placing the same value on others as you do yourself—will be your Number Two Resolution. If you can’t do those two things, then I pray that you will ask the Father to help you understand his love for you. (My two previous articles on Understanding the Father’s Love—Daddy’s Girl and Freedom from Fear—might help.)

May you Press in to Him in 2009!